I've had this blog in drafts for a year.
I wanted to make sure that I had the perfect words written so that I would honor to these friends who shared their stories and experiences. I've typed endless words, only to erase them because it just didn't feel right. Last week, as I was watching an episode of "Million Little Things" that involved how George Floyd's death affected the black family on the show, it hit me. This blog isn't about making sure I say everything right or to make sure I do the stories justice.
This blog is about their words, their stories, their experiences.
Not mine.
When George Floyd died under the knee of a police officer, white people scrambled to help. We didn't know what to do and a lot of us asked our black friends what we could do, not realizing how heavy that could be for them. I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing. I asked my dear friend Keisha what I could do to help and she simply said "Start the conversation." She put me in contact with people of color who would sit down and share their story.
Today marks 100 years since the Tulsa Black Wall street massacre. Even though this happened a century ago, I learned about it just last year. It's important to listen to our black brother and sisters. They have been struggling, they're angry and they're tired. More importantly, they're hungry for real change. They want their family and children to grow up in a better world than they have and that change is overdue.
I invite you to read the experiences shared below. Each person opened up in hopes that this will help propel change forward and bring light to the challenges they face every single day. I urge you to reach out to start the conversation within your own family and friends. Real change starts inside our homes, where it then spreads beautifully throughout the world.
Monique
Monique was an instrumental part of making sure this project was a success. She reached out to her broad list of friends and family and kindly asked if anyone would be interested in helping me. So many people answered the request and because of Monique, this project took off.
We met in Downtown Norfolk in the Waterside District for her portraits and to sit and talk about her life experiences. She was naturally so easy to talk to. She openly shared her life story with me, even the hard to talk about moments.
Monique's mom is white and her dad is black.
Her maternal grandmother said that her mom was welcome home anytime but the n----- & the half breeds were not. When she shared this, my jaw dropped. I can't imagine hearing this as a child, especially coming from a family member. Her paternal grandfather would sneak to see them at his mom's house when they would come to town. This was the only way he could see his precious grandchildren. Her grandmother even sent back a letter Monique had written when she was 5 due to being mixed race. Her grandmother met Monique and her brother when they were around middle school age, however they never developed a relationship, simple because she was half black.
I asked Monique what most people are unaware of that harm others. She mentioned how we often use micro aggressions.
Micro aggressions are a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority. (Here are examples of common micro aggressions here.)
While people think they are saying something that's acceptable, it is really a micro aggression, sometimes without realizing it. Often they are unfamiliar with the culture that they're targeting. We unintentionally hurt those people with words.
When asked what white people can do, Monique appreciates if they acknowledge that they do have privilege and understand how it has played a part in their lives. Having privilege is not a bad thing, it just exists. When white people try to argue that they don't have privilege, for her it feels as though they are saying "the experience you face that are directly related to race don't exist."
Lauren
I met Lauren at the beautiful GreenBrier Farms. She really wanted to have her session in the middle of a sunflower field and when you meet her, you understand why. Her personality is magnetic and she exudes joy and sunshine. Taking photos of her around these yellow blooming sunflowers made perfect sense. She is a suicide survivor who shares her story of her life moments on her You Tube page, Good Girl Chronicles and attends conferences explaining her story in hope to help others who have felt the same.
Lauren was born in Mississippi, where she was aware they lived outside of city limits and realized they didn't quite live as well as the white people she saw. She noticed the plantations in Mississippi but at the time, she didn't quite understand the magnitude of what she was looking at or what they meant. As she grew older, her step father made it a point to take her to black history museums and the hotel where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. She shares that race wasn't really spoken about in the household. She remembers watching black films like School Days or Spike Lee movies and realizing that her skin color meant something to certain people.
Lauren first became aware of her black identity when she went to an HBCU. These are historically black colleges and universities of higher education in the United States that were established before the Civil Rights Act of 1964, with the intention of primarily serving the African-American community. When she would go back to Mississippi to visit family, people would pick on her for sounding "too white". For her, this was magnified at the HBCU. It was then she realized that blackness was more than just skin color to her own community. She didn't talk or act like a black girl or listen to the same music other black girls listened to. This was the first time she looked at her blackness and realized that people were making an assumption about her being black enough. She didn't even realize that being "black enough" was a thing. She realizes this isn't the experience of everyone who attends an HBCU. Plenty of people attend these historic colleges and have amazing, life changing experiences. She went there to find this missing piece of herself, expecting her School Days moment. She went in with the expectation of earning her "black card", pledging a sorority, learning about black culture and instead, she felt like she wasn't black enough for her own people. This was really hard for her to deal with and she shares that lots of black people also struggle with this same issue. She looks forward to the day when black people can talk amongst each other about things they can improve culturally and all the different meanings of being black. She ended up leaving that college and headed to VCU in Richmond, VA. This is a huge campus with a melting pot of races and this is where she finally felt like she could start being herself.
Lauren calls 2020 the year of exposure. This was the year that people in the peripheral could see that systemic racism and police brutality existed. George Floyd forced us to all look at it and there was no turning away at that point. One after another, Ahmaud Aubrey and Brianna Taylor, really made her look at what it means to be black and for her, it was scary. It also made her realize that there was so much about being black that she didn't know. This has been a really revealing time for her as she researches black history and tries to fill out her family tree through Ancestry.com.
When she looks at her life. she doesn't have a lot of instances where she was treated differently because of the color of her skin but she does remember a time where she was at a party and she realized she was the only black person in attendance. As she was standing there, a white person flippantly used the N word and they were just perfectly okay with that. Moments like these where her blackness is more than just skin color.
Being Black in America doesn't feel safe. Even though she's a law abiding citizen, getting pulled over would terrify her. As a child, she remembers having one conversation about police interaction and how they were told to do whatever they needed to just to get through the encounter.
Sia
I met Sia and her husband at her locally owned business, Pure Lagos in Norfolk, VA. This is one of three Pure Lagos locations, which delivers a natural, holistic health boutique, as well as African art. As I walked into her store, I was greeted with beautiful, vibrant handmade items from Africa, custom clothing and stunning artwork. Sia was such a peaceful, calm soul. She quietly but strongly spoke her story and then showed me around her store. She isn't one to brag about her time attending Stanford and Howard Universities or that that she modeled around the world with an agency. I only learned this while interviewing her friend Theresa for this project. She hosts live cooking classes with natural ingredients on instagram and growing food in the local community garden.
I asked Sia what she thought could help propel the movement forward. At this time, news coverage of the protests were dwindling and the severity of the issue was getting covered up with politics. When asked what she thought other races needed to hear that could help further the fight to stop police brutality on the Black community, she replied with how the world needs to hear an absolute truth, which is that we are all one.
We are all one. There is no inherent, essential race other than the human race.
She feels deeply that once people grasp that understanding and that truth, it will allow everyone to move beyond separation and division. We can come together beautifully in unity. To Sia, oneness means accepting and acknowledging that although in the physical form we may look different and have different traits, personalities, and characteristics, that we must go beyond what we see with our senses to look with our heart and spiritual eyes. When we see beyond the physical, we are like innocent babies who don't see race. They don't make physical judgement calls. What they see is the spirit of a person, or even an animal, and they respond to that energy thats's behind the facade. We should aim to be more like innocent babies in the way that we see each other. We need to put away those filters and judgements and relax into a spiritual vision to look upon each other with our whole hearts. The actions that come from that kind of vision are transcendent transformative action. You won't have violence, brutality or discrimination, or the desire to harm others because you are looking at yourself with the innocent eyes of a baby. She feels that would be the first step to alleviating the problems.
The beautiful part is that it's something we can individually do.
We can look upon every person that we see as our mirror, a reflection of ourselves. The concept of "the other" needs to stop so that we could have unity on Earth. If we could acknowledge that we are one self, the unity would follow.
Theresa
I met Theresa, a friend of Sia & Monique, on a rooftop overlooking Norfolk. The sun warmed us as we took in the beautiful views of the city. Immediately upon meeting Theresa, she came off so sweet and kind. She had no issues opening up and freely sharing her experiences of being a black woman in this country, and others.
She was born in the Bahamas and raised in Trinidad & Tobago. Theresa was raised by her father, sister and his mother because her mother passed away when she was just eight months old. Her mother was white, from Canada, and her parents were from the Ukraine. Her father was from Trinidad and had been working overseas when they met. Theresa is part white, part black and because of this, she has been challenged navigating either side. White people tell her "You're not like the rest of them." and the black people say "Well, you talk funny or you listen to this type of music or eat that type of food." She stated how everyone from the island has some sort of prejudice or bias. Black people were lazy or what they call in Trinidad "what less" or "with less". When she met her daughter's father, she never thought she would have been with an American. Inside, she started to have an awakening when she was around 20 years old. She started to think differently about how she viewed white people. She read books about proud militant black people who call white people devils. She realized she was part white and had to reckon with what she had read in those books. It became more about a place of love. She asked people "what does love look like?" or "What does integrity look like?" Are the behaviors of our current presidential administration and police rooted in love and integrity?
For police officers, they have sworn to protect the laws of the United States and the constitution. Are their behaviors consistent with those two things?
When she traveled the world, she would get mistakenly identified as a citizen of where she traveled. Her looks were vague enough to match wherever she traveled. Even so, she feels most at ease around people of black ethnicity because she was raised by black people. It resonates within her soul. Those are her people. This just isn't something she has felt with her white family that she has connected with. She has experienced racism but states she is fortunate enough that it's simply been micro aggressions. and never violence. She has had people say things around her they would never say elsewhere because they felt safe. They don't think of her as black so it was okay to say those things.
Her first job when she came to America was working at beauty supply store in Long Island. She would ask for a certain hair product and her manager would give it to her for free. When the West Indian employees requested the same products, the owner would only give them 10% off. She asked him what was so special that she received it for free but they only earned a small discount. His replied how he would never have a Black employee because they are all thieves and since the West Indian employees had lighter skin, they could have a discount. He entitled her to free product because he said she wasn't like the rest of them. She was educated, smart and spoke differently. This caused her to wrestle within herself as she struggled to fit in. She dumbed herself down so that she could fit in more and not fly above the radar until she could not longer suppress her authentic self.
Her children, including one bonus son, are clearly brown skin. She worries about the phone ringing and hearing the news that something has happened. It's a low grade anxiety that never goes away.
When she met her mother's family in Canada, they sat her down and asked her if she considered herself black or white. She let them know she is multi ethnic and just wanted to be a citizen of the world. Sometimes loved ones words can hurt the most, and in this case, thats what happened. She had micro aggressions from friends but they hurt so much more from loved ones.
Theresa asked for everyone to pay attention to micro aggressions if you have black people in your family or friends. You could be hurting them without knowing it, but that doesn't take the hurt away. Taking the time and energy to learn needs to happen. White people need to reckon with themselves by asking how they could be causing pain and figuring out how to stop it.
We are quick to assume we aren't doing these things but what if we are? Take the time to be responsible for your own self growth. We need to stop thinking with our emotions and ground yourself in reality and in facts.
Ask yourself why these things happen. Evaluate yourself and grow. We are a microcosm for the macrocosm that is our planet, our community and our neighborhood. Hold people like yourself, accountable. It isn't Black people's job to educate white people. white people need to take accountability and educate themselves and each other. Once educated, share it. The information will land better coming from a white person than it will from a black person.
For black people, others treat you how you allow them to. Theresa feels the black community needs to transform their view of themselves and find their worth again. If your friends love you, they should find this sort of behavior unacceptable to them as it is to you. The black community needs to find healing mentally, physically and emotionally. So many black people are overweight and are sick, which is a factor of self hatred. When you love and care for something, you treat it well on all levels.
Even if white people reckon with themselves, educate their loved ones and the black community finds healing, we are still all need to find love. If we can seek to exemplify love, we can all heal together.
We will get better to the degree that we practice it.
If we take on these lessons and do the work, much good will come out of it. This will help us to move froward in a more evolved way and not repeat the same mistakes.
The Harrison Family
I met the Harrison Family on a crisp day at Red Wing State Park, in Chesapeake. I had been corresponding via email with Dondago for a few weeks about their session and I was so excited to meet them. The kids were so adorable and full of smiles. His wife, Kadajah is a stay at home mom to their three children and he works in real estate.
I asked if they were willing to share personal experiences from their lives to help others understand how people are treated differently just for having a different skin color. Kadajah shared a moment from her cousin's 12th graduation party at a state park in Chesapeake. Everyone was having a blast celebrating the new grad and enjoying the cookout when the police showed up around sunset. He advised them that they may want to leave because this was a known meeting location for the KKK every Saturday and they were authorized to shoot. They had to leave the park for the safety of everyone there.
This was 2012.
Another experience she had was while she was working at Rite Aid in 2015. Some white customers would refuse to put the money in her hand when they went to pay for their items. Instead, they would make a face and put the money on the counter so that they could have no physical contact with her. People also assume because of the color of her skin that they are lower class and on food stamps. If she is out with her kids without Dondago, other people assume she is a single mom or they have different fathers. They have even been asked if the children have the same father while out in public, just because one of their children has a lighter complexion than the others. A lot of people don't realize that Black people come in all different colors, not just one. Often, people will get shamed for being too light skinned within thieir own community.
Dondago shared how he had friends that had run ins with local police. They always fear for their lives and their moms sit at home waiting on that call that it might be their child on the news. Not every police stop ends well. When he was 17, someone had called the cops after they saw a group of their friends smoking. Both officers that showed up were white and they just drove them home and explained how this situation don't always go this way. It depends on the day and the officer on how a person of color will be treated. When he is driving and he sees police lights behind him, even if he knows he hasn't done anything, his heart still races. Dondago has a conceal carry permit and instead of keeping it in the glove box, he keeps it in the visor of his car for easier reach. Philandro Castile, a black man in Minnesota, was shot to death in front of his girlfriend as he reached for his license, as the officer had requested. When Dondago is driving home late at night, he makes sure his wallet is in the middle of the seat so it can easily been seen in case he gets pulled over. It's really sad that he has to think about the placement of his important documents prior to driving so it will make his chance of dying at the hands of a police officer less likely. These are precautions white people take for granted because of our privilege.
Dondago feels strongly that to move forward, we need everyone to say it's not okay. They need more than a majority to stand up and stand against brutality because black people don't have economic power. The lack of economic power makes it harder to lobby to get people out of office or help things change in life. It's easy to be in the same cycle. We need to come together economically, nationally and on the state levels to help make this change happen.
We also need to make sure we don't teach the hate to our children. Let kids play and have fun and teach them to love one another. Having people in power in the government stand up for the rights of Black people would start the wheel of change rolling.
They shared a story of how a mixed couple had their house appraised. They didn't see the need to remove the family photos hanging on the wall. What they didn't realize was that the house appraisal was less simply based on the fact that the wife was black. They did an experiment where they replaced all of the photos with a white couple and the house appraised for more, despite that the photos was the only change. Dondago works in real estate and they teach you to go door to door to garner leads and he feels scared, even with a suit on, because you don't know who you'll run into when knocking on doors, even if it is for work. Sometimes people get scared and will act in the moment, so he doesn't go door to door, for the safety for his kids.
One thing his wife touched on was how many black people don't really know their history. Some white people yell about how America is their land and how some black people need to go back to Africa because they don't belong here. Black were born here, this is their home. Just because you are black doesn't mean you were born in Africa. They still hear comments like this today, in 2021! Even our education covers up how things truly happened. Our children are taught that Columbus discovered America but what they leave out is how there were already dark skinned people already here. He raped and killed the darker skinned people here so celebrating those holidays are hard. We put people of history on a pedestal, like Thomas Jefferson. As adults, we learned how he actually slept with slaves. This is what people don't understand about the statues that people are trying to get taken down. Yes, they are history but you have to view it from all sides, not just one. For some, this is a statue of a man who killed and raped their ancestors and that can deeply scar someone. If you go to Germany, you won't see statues of Hitler all over the country.
We are all American, no matter the color of our skin.
Meet the Smith family. I've known them for years and consider them family. Their daughter Epiphany, and my daughter Chloe, have been best friends since they first met in sixth grade. They are the type of people who would absolutely do anything for you in the drop of a hat. Even when you don't ask, they drop delicious food on your doorstep when you're sick and call just to make sure you're doing okay.
Cathy first experienced racism in elementary school. She was best friends with a girl named Tiffany from her class, who was white, and she had asked her parents if Cathy could spend the night. They had a blast together and they looked forward to it again. When it came time for her friend to sleep over at Cathy's house, her parents wanted to know where she lived. Because Cathy lived downtown, Tiffany wasn’t allowed to come sleep over at her house based on her parents opinions. She didn’t understand as a child why they couldn’t be together. They enjoyed each other's company and they didn't understand why they were saying no now. Because Cathy's family lived downtown, they assumed it was the "bad" part of town and refused to let their daughter come over. It wrecked Cathy.
The next time she remembers an incident of racism was in high school because her boyfriend was white and she was black. People would stare at them when they were out in public together. Black people would wonder why she was with him and if they passed white people, they didn’t understand why he was with that black girl. They didn't really see any difference in each other and were just happy to be by each others side. The world judged them differently just based on the color of their skin.
After she graduated from her University, she landed a job at the Marriott as an up and coming chef. She made sure to work hard and did whatever was requested of her but she realized the other chefs set her up for failure. They would tell her to leave and go home because it wasn’t busy and then they would turn around and tell their bosses she wanted to just go home because she didn’t care about her job. Her boss sent her to Baltimore, MD for more training and the chef there told her she was one of the best chefs he had come across and offered her a job. He wanted to pay her a cooks wage for her being a chef, so Cathy turned this unfair request down. Afterwards, the manager made up lies about how she should be let go because she was lazy, when in reality, he was upset that she wouldn’t accept a lower pay for a job that others got paid more for.
Her husband Tony is originally from Long Beach, CA, which was a melting pot of different ethnicities. He didn’t experience racism until he joined the military, when he visited Alabama in 1985. They couldn’t leave the base in uniform because they were subject to getting hung. Later, he arrived in Ft. Eustis, here in VA. Upon entering, they lined all of the new people up and made sure to single out the 10 black people in the unit. They wanted to make sure they knew who was in charge from day one. The black people in the unit would always receive the work the other white guys didn’t want to do, like janitorial work. These tasks would always go to the black people in the unit.
Resources
Videos:
"Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man" which can he watched here .
Podcasts
"1619"
"Lynching in America"
"About Race with Reni Eddo-Lodge"
‘Witness Black History' by BBC World
Slay In Your Lane: The Podcast
Books
"Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race" (2017) by Reni Eddo-Lodge
"How To Be an Antiracist" (2019) by Ibram X Kendi
"Women, Race and Class" (1981) by Angela Davis
"The Bluest Eye" (1970) by Toni Morrison
"The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness" (2010) by Michelle Alexander
"Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents" (2020) by Isabel Wilkerson
"So You Want to Talk About Race" (2019) by Ijeoma Oluo
"Between the World and Me" (2105) Ta-Nehisi Coates
"The Fire Next Time" by James Baldwin
"Notes of a Native Son" by James Baldwin
"Me and White Supremacy" by Layla F. Saad
0 Comments